We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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