I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
