he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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