matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
the day after is always just damage control
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
