i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Ladies don't puke and tell
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
