Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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