If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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