9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize