i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
she told me i tasted like america
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
