would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
