Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
