Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
