theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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