Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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