I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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