She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
