My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
