Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
