I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
