i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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