I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
