im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Randomize
