Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
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