I like my sex mixed with concussions.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
