Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
We have started to decorate penises.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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