My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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