I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
