saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
