Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Just pee around me
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
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