i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
