I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Congratulations! We have a period
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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