So drunk, too bad you don't want this
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
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Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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