Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
