fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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