So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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