I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
