he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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