I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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