I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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