Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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