and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
