I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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