weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
