Christians are straight up FREAKS
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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