I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
