I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
