I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
