He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
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