Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize