ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
