What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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