Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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