I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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