I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I just had sex on a roof
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
