He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
