Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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