I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize